This Looks Like a Job for Overkill
by Xnasha Minstrel
Summary: Rin should have know better than to mess with the Jewel Sword without supervision; all of them from the Fifth War are pulled from their domestic, peaceful lives and stuck in a world still in the Age of Gods. Unsurprisingly, their sudden appearance causes a lot of headaches for all involved. Elsewhere, a vampire and a big honking dragon are laughing their heads off.
1. She Blinded Me, With Second Magic!

**AN: I have no idea where this came from. Absolutely no knowledge of Fate/Hollow Ataraxia needed; essentially it's just all the Servants from the Fifth War going about their domestic lives. This is post F/HA, so Bazette and Caren are currently lodging at the Emiya residence.**

* * *

 _ **Kuoh City, Public Park**_

One would think that such a large group of people gathered around a picnic table so late would have been a strange sight, but fortunately for the group they had several magi skilled at Bounded Fields, so they took shameless advantage of that.

"Rin Tohsaka, you bumbling idiot!" Illyasviel von Einzbern said, cheeks puffed out and eyes narrowed at the magus, who glared back and tried not to fidget with the strangely shaped sword made out of crystal she had in her hands. "What kind of magus would just mess with another magus's unknown Mystic Code without understanding anything about it?! And an artifact from the _Wizard Marshal Zelretch?!_ "

"Oi! In my defense, Shirou was the big enough idiot to give it to me!" The redhead immediately tried to speak up in his own defense, something along the lines of _yeah, but you were the one playing with it_ , but the oppressive atmosphere was just too tense to even open his mouth.

"Regardless of who is responsible," Saber said decisively, "We have several tasks at hand to ensure our own safety first. Does anyone have any idea where we are?"

Around the table, various Servants shook their heads. Some of them could care less about the situation at hand, like Lancer, Assassin, and Berserker; the first two battle maniacs were merely excited about the possibility of new opponents, and the latter just didn't have the capacity. Caster and Rider were harder to read, but still clearly worried for their Masters. And then there was Archer, who was like a stone wall with the stiffness of his expression.

Last but not least, the little blond boy among them merely smiled and dug deeper into his pudding cup.

Saber sighed. She would never get used to the younger King of Heroes, but he was infinitely more bearable than his older self. Everyone present had at one time or another expressed their shock that such a sweet boy could grow up to be such an incredible asshole.

"I have no idea _where_ we are, but it certainly _feels_ …" Gil said, eyes a tiny bit unfocused. "Can all of you sense that?"

"A most unsettling, but nostalgic feeling." Rider said, frowning. "The mana here is...plentiful. Much like my time, despite the technology. It would not surprise me if we are in the Age of Gods."

"Damn you Zelretch!" Caster shook her fist at the Mystic Code in Rin's hands, her face twisted into a snarl even as she clutched Kuzuki's arm closer to her. "I've just come out of the yoke of the gods and now you drag me back into it, along with Souichirou-sama?! When I get my hands on the bloodsucker I'm going to…"

"Get in line, Magus from the Age of Gods," Bazette Fraga McRemitz said dryly. "The vampire has quite a list of enemies." Caren didn't say anything, eyes taking in the entire situation.

"Can everyone just calm down please?" Sakura sighed, rubbing at her temples in an effort to alleviate her headache. Rider reached out to pat her Master comfortingly. "We have no idea where we are, and no idea what the situation is. Perhaps we should stop arguing long enough to find somewhere to lodge for the night first?"

There was a general grunt of assent, and the lot of them prepared to leave.

Collectively, all their hackles were raised when a young couple walked into the park.

They looked, for all intents and purposes, like two teenagers on a date. The girl was clinging to the boy's arm and giggling vapidly at something the boy said, and the boy was simply besotted with the girl, showing off. But the group of people behind the Bounded Field were not ordinary (most of them were not people at all), and they noticed how the girl's smile was off, the way her shadow showed more feathery appendages than she currently had.

"Alright," Rin sighed. "Who's gonna go save that poor schmuck from being killed?"

"Certainly not you, Tohsaka. Not with your track record." Shirou said dryly, Projecting Kanshou and Byakuya. "You're not the one who got impaled through the heart last time."

"No hard feelings, kid!" Lancer grinned as Gae Bolg materialized in his hands, even as Rin looked like she was about to blow her top. "First one to get there gets to fight!"

"Hey! That's not fair! You have Lancer-class agility!" Assassin said, annoyed, even as Lancer cackled and shot forward with inhuman speed.

"I can't believe my fellow Servants are such children. What happened to being great and mighty Heroic Spirits, with _dignity?_ " Saber said.

"I don't know about you, Saber-neesan, but after living in such close proximity with all of you I think we've lost all the dignity we've ever had." Gil said, voice drier than a desert at midday. "I mean, once I've seen you in a gothic loli maid dress, I've seen it all."

 _"You promised to never tell."_

"Shutting up now."

* * *

"Issei-kun?" Yuuma said sweetly, leaning in towards the brown-haired boy. "I-I have a request."

Issei grinned back, full of bravado. "Anything for you, Yuuma-chan!"

"Can you...please die for me?"

"...eh?"

That was all the time Issei had before there was a spear of light in Yuuma's hands. Without a single hint of hesitation, she was thrusting right at Issei's heart.

Issei didn't even have time to realize that Yuuma was out to kill him before something else deflected the spear away from him.

"W-What?!" Yuuma jumped back in a panic. "Who are you?!" She shouted at the man who appeared out of nowhere and saved Issei's life.

"Wow, missy. Ya gotta strike with a better stance next time, I didn't even use that much strength to deflect that blow." The man said, twirling the red spear around and resting it on his shoulders. He was dressed in a blue bodysuit with silver pauldrons, and his red eyes were glinting with amusement. He also had the biggest shit-eating grin Issei had ever seen on his face. "Don't tell me that's all you've got?"

"You!" Yuuma roared, and suddenly feathered wings as black as a crow's unfurled from her back. "You insignificant human! To think that I, Raynare of the Fallen Angels, have to use my wings against you…!"

"That's still pretty disappointing, missy. All I'm hearing is empty boasts. Ya gonna fight…" The man's grin somehow got even more vicious. "...or NOT?!"

All it took was the blink of an eye; the man suddenly disappeared.

"What?" Raynare managed to get out before her instincts screamed at her; she hastily blocked the red spear coming right at her. The strength behind the swing was enough to completely shatter the light spear and bat the Fallen out of the air, sending her careening towards the hard ground.

"Impossible!" Raynare gasped as she struggled to regain her footing. A single blow, a single blow was enough to break her spear?

"Awwww, is little Raynare having some trouble?" Kalawarner's voice drawled from behind her. The other Fallen Angels had arrived.

"Shut up!" Raynare growled. "There's some human that's interfering!"

"...You're strong." Dohnaseek said, eyes not leaving the blue-haired lancer for a single second. "Fight me."

The man laughed, and got into his stance. "Ya better give me your all! Because if not," he vanished again, and Dohnaseek's eyes went wide as he barely dodged the red spear by a millimeter, "I'm gonna kill ya."

To the side, Mittelt smiled sinisterly. "There's only one of you, and we outnumber you four to one! All we have to do to win is to kill the boy!" The young Fallen said, running straight at Issei who was still frozen in shock.

The next moment, Mittelt was on the ground and losing consciousness from a blow to her neck. "Wh-what…" she barely had time to catch a glimpse of royal blue and blond hair before she passed out.

"I would say the fight is more even now, not that it was unfair in the first place," said the knight with the invisible sword. "Come, if you dare."

Kalawarner screamed, "You bitch!" as she charged at the knight, who only raised an eyebrow at the Fallen Angel. It didn't take long for her to join the smaller Fallen Angel on the cold hard dirt.

"It is a sin to boast of numbers on the battlefield unless you know for sure you outnumber the enemy," the red-clad man with twin falchions said sarcastically as he twirled his swords. "Oldest mistake in the book, karma comes back to bite you in the ass."

All in all, it was a painfully efficient fight, with the Fallen Angels all unconscious heaps on the dirt by the end of ten minutes. While Raynare and her comrades were Fallen Angels, they were a step above minion at best, and it was really no contest against the skills and strength of three Servants at once.

It was to this sight that Rias was summoned. She had prepared a whole spiel and had the wind dramatically blowing out her crimson red hair as she came out of the circle, only to find a small crowd armed to the teeth and staring at her.

"U-um?" Rias said, confused.

"You are going to explain, miss, and you are going to explain everything." A girl with her dark hair tied in twin tails smiled politely, and Rias shivered at the dark aura underneath her expression, promising pain and retribution.

This...wasn't what she expected.

* * *

 **Again, I know shit all about what I'm doing. Just enjoy the ride. Your favourite Servants are gonna go out there, kick ass, and take fucking names, Age of Gods or not. And yes, while Azazel and Michael and Sirzechs and other supernatural beings are no pushovers themselves, on the other side of the ring we have goddamn** ** _Servants._** **Hell, just goddamn Gil alone is a game breaker, and now we've got a bunch of Heroic Spirits that just want to fish/enjoy married life/race motorcycles/read books/live their lives in** ** _peace_** **AND they've got human Masters they care about! Come hell or high water they are heroes, and** ** _no one_** **messes with them.**

 **Raiser's gonna get a nasty surprise. HaaaaAAAAAAA iMMORTALITY (GILGAMESH LAUGHS, HERACLES LAUGHS SLIGHTLY LOUDER)**


	2. Issei Ruins a Perfectly Good Hero Rant

**AN: I'm so tired. Here, take this chapter. Again, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. This is mostly an intro/setup chapter so don't expect too much in the way of plot development, but we've got gags aplenty. Have at it, folks.**

* * *

 _ **Kuoh Academy, Occult Research Club**_

As Akeno poured the tea, she tried to not let her hands shake.

When Rias had called her to come into the clubhouse in the middle of the night, Akeno instantly started to worry that she had gotten herself into trouble while trying to recruit Hyoudou Issei for the peerage; she had dismissed those worries immediately afterwards. Her King could take care of herself, and this was Gremory territory. No one would dare lay a hand on Rias.

 _So how did it turn out like this?!_ Akeno internally screamed as the only sound in the room was from tea hitting the bottom of the ceramic cup. _Hey, isn't this atmosphere a little… we may be in high school but that doesn't mean we have to act like teenagers dabbling in delinquency caught by teachers! They're not even teachers in the first place! Rias, it's all up to you!_

She quickly finished serving the tea, and then took up a spot close to Rias, ready to jump in if any fighting started. Better safe than sorry, and she didn't trust that woman in the cloak one bit, not with the way she kept looking at the ceiling calculatingly like she was figuring out ways to bring it down on their heads.

The rest of the small group of people were arranged around the room, and it didn't escape Akeno's notice that they were all positioned carefully around the table. Every move, every motion was calculated. The people sitting in the chairs were extremely strange. They looked like a bunch of highschoolers, save for one little girl with snowy white hair and a man with tired eyes behind black-rimmed glasses; the rest of the group were spread out behind the table, all of them quietly on the lookout for any danger. Even their introductions were short, professional, giving nothing away save their names.

The only odd one out was Hyoudou Issei. The brown-haired pervert was fidgeting uncomfortably at the atmosphere.

"Please, enlighten us to what happened tonight." The girl in the red turtleneck and skirt, Rin Tohsaka, smiled in an incredibly saccharine fashion; Rias couldn't have done better herself.

Rias took a fortifying sip of tea, before steeling herself. "First, how much do you know about the Bible?"

The redheaded boy, Emiya Shirou, frowned. "We know the basics."

"Very well. Then this will be slightly easier to explain." At her cue, her peerage all snapped out their wings. "We are Devils."

Issei stared, but the others merely watched the peerage with analyzing eyes.

Rias continued, forging ahead despite the discomfort of all attention turned on her. "The Fallen Angel that attacked Issei-kun earlier, Raynare, wanted to kill him because of the Sacred Gear inside of him."

"I-inside of me?!" Issei blurted out, even as Matou Sakura frowned. "Sacred Gear?" she asked.

"Yes. Sacred Gears are relics of God that were granted to humanity; they are bound to the soul, and allows the wielder to enact miracles. Throughout history, many a hero used their Sacred Gears to create their legends."

The people around the table all seemed to perk up at the mention of heroes. Rin turned her piercing gaze onto Issei, who fidgeted even more. "You don't say? And Hyoudou-san here has one in him?"

"Yes, he does. That is why Raynare wished to eliminate him before he awakened it and became a threat to their faction. I am sad to say that it is an all too common fate from fledgling Sacred Gear bearers."

"Why didn't you step in earlier?"

Rias opened her mouth, and then paused. "What?" She said, nonplussed. "What do you mean, Emiya-san?"

"You know full well what I mean," The redheaded boy responded. "If you knew that the Fallen Angel was going to attack Issei, who from what I can tell doesn't know a thing about the supernatural, why didn't you step in? You clearly knew about the Fallen Angel. You clearly knew about the fact that Issei-kun possesses a Sacred Gear and quite possibly a very powerful one, what with Raynare trying to kill him. You were also watching Issei-kun, but did nothing to intervene when it was clear that the Fallen was after his life. If we weren't there, Raynare could and would have killed him. It clearly wasn't a case of you not being able to get to him fast enough; I could sense you at the periphery of the park.

So tell me— _why did you wait for him to die?_ "

Rias found herself speechless. "That's...that's..." she stuttered, utterly thrown off balance. "That's not…!"

"Because she was trying to recruit him." Sona picked that exact moment to sweep in, her own peerage trailing after her. "Good evening, Gremory."

"Sitri." She replied coldly at the untimely interruption, glaring as the other devil smirked. Saji pulled up another chair for her and the black-haired Devil took her place at the table.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Sona Sitri, the leader of the other Devil Peerage occupying this territory." The other King said. "Rias didn't step in to save Issei-san because she wished to recruit him into her peerage."

Emiya tilted his head in confusion. "Recruit him? How can she do that if he's dead? People die when they are killed, you know."

"As asinine as that sounds, it's the truth." Sona pushed her glasses up. "Since the Great War, we Devils have been quite thinned in numbers. Thus, we came up with the Evil Pieces, which allows us to reincarnate beings of other races into Devils in our peerage. Rias was most likely waiting to save Issei and gain a new follower at the same time."

"Without his consent?"

"I will not speak of her reasons or circumstances, for they are her own." Sona said calmly. "I merely provided the answer to your question."

"Couldn't she have just _asked_ him?" Sakura said darkly, and suddenly it felt like Rias was about to tread on a landmine. The purple-haired girl's shadow seemed to twist behind her unnaturally as her companions all watched the proceedings carefully. "To turn him without his permission…"

Salvation came from an unexpected person.

"I want to join!" Issei spoke up, and everyone in the room stared at him like he'd gone insane. Under the increased scrutiny, the boy's cheeks reddened, but he forged on. "I want to join the Occult Research Club! But only if…" he trailed off, and then shouted, "Only if I get to touch Buchou's oppai and eventually fulfill my dream of becoming a harem king!"

Without a second thought, Rias blurted out, "You may touch my breasts. Once you join my peerage."

Issei instantly fistpumped, excited beyond all reason. "Sweet!"

The other humans' reactions ranged from laughter so hard it led to tears all the way to disgusted frowns. But the most extreme reaction came from the man named Archer.

The man in the red cloak and black body armour took Issei by the shoulders and started shaking him a little. "No! That is the worst dream to have! Do not go down that path! That's Hell you're walking into!"

But Issei was already gone; a perverted smile in place, he muttered to himself. "Oppai...if I join, I get to touch Buchou's oppai! My first step towards becoming a harem king!"

Archer threw up his hands in resignation and disgust. "Dear Root, the boy is done for. If you want to become a harem king so bad, then drown in your ideals and die, Hyoudou Issei!" The man snarled and officially gave up.

And that's how Rias obtained her first Pawn and most expensive Piece yet.

* * *

"I think we've answered enough questions on our end for now." Rias coughed, trying to regain control of the conversation. "Tell me, who exactly are you?"

"We are a group of human magecraft users who ended up here by accident." Rin said promptly. "We had no intention of being here, but here we are nonetheless."

"You are no ordinary magicians to repel Fallen Angels that easily." Rias said probingly, and the group of people merely shrugged as one.

"We have a way with things like this, though the Biblical Factions thing is new. Not completely, but then again we're...a bit out of touch."

Kiba nodded from his spot behind Rias. "That would make sense. They must come from a more hermetic school of magic."

"She's right," Archer said, having calmed down from his earlier outburst. "We Magi can be quite out of touch in some cases; why, there's quite a story about Rin and a Blu-Ray machine…"

" _Like HELL you're going to tell them!_ " was the last thing Archer heard before Rin's fist smashed all the air out of his lungs with Reinforced strength.

Kiba laughed and noted that they avoided saying anything else about their capabilities.

* * *

By the time they finished the tea it was already quite late, and the Magi started digging through their wallets for funds to go out and snag a few hotel rooms.

They almost immediately ran into problems.

"Do you mean to tell me," Gil said, half in disbelief as he stared at the thin wallet in Rin's hands, "that the purse in your hands is all the wealth you possess in the world? That's...incredibly sad. It is so sorrowful that it brings tears to my eyes! Is that what they call poverty?"

Rin felt the burning anger welling up in her and tried to suppress the raging blush on her face. "Yes, I know! But it's not like gem magecraft is _cheap!_ Now do you want to sleep in a proper bed tonight or not? It's not like you can just use a gold bar to buy a hotel room!"

Shirou made placating motions with his hands, clearly trying to appease her. "T-Tohsaka… maybe this isn't the best place—"

"Oh hell no! I'm gonna—"

"N-nee-san...please remember who you're trying to throttle…" Sakura murmured, exchanging wry glances with Rider. "He may be a kid, but…"

"I don't care if he's the embodiment of original sin himself! Lemme at him!"

"Excuse me," Rias spoke up from her seat as they turned to her. "But could it be that you don't have a place to stay for the night? If so, I would be happy to offer you my home for all of you."

"Oh, we couldn't possibly impose." Sakura said as she draped her jacket over the sleeping Illya on Kuzuki's back. "There are so many of us, after all."

"No, no! It's quite alright. I have more than enough space to accommodate everyone, and it's certainly far too late to find a place of lodging." Rias stood from her seat. "Besides, it's not quite safe out there if you're not quite certain on the situation."

There was quite a bit of rapid discussion before Rin smiled. "Thank you. We appreciate you putting up with us at such short notice."

"Oh, it's nothing," Rias said, even as she calculated in her head the amount of food she'll need to stock up on for such an influx of guests. Fortunately, some of them looked like they didn't need to eat much.

After all, such a petite and slender woman couldn't need that much food to keep going, right?

(Rias was going to regret that thought the next morning, but for now she was still under that beautiful delusion.)

* * *

 **AN: Can you tell how long I've been waiting to make that people die when they are killed joke? Not long enough, I tell ya. There are also a ton of other references in this chapter; this madness never stops.**

 **Next Chapter:** A pair of very different nuns meet. Lancer gets called a dog and summarily proceeds to be Not Pleased™, even if the one who called him that is a hot chick of a Fallen Angel. Shirou and Archer face off again with Unlimited Kitchen Works, simultaneously murdering Rias's food budget and feeding the black hole that is Saber's stomach. Raynare regrets everything she's ever done and wants out from this madhouse.


	3. Lancer Is Called a Dog Part1 of Infinity

**AN: For those of you who are disheartened about Issei still joining the Peerage, don't be; there's a reason for that. And it's kinda (but not completely) explained in the paragraph literally after this author's note. As I've already said to some of you, Issei's reincarnation will have Consequences, capital letter deserved, beyond the *handwave* you're a Devil now! bullshit we got in canon.**

 **Meanwhile, plot ahoy.**

* * *

 **Lancer Is Called a Dog, Part 1/∞**

 _ **Kuoh City, Gremory Residence, Guest Room**_

"So? Rin. What did you need me here for? I still have to recover after you've stomped on my foot so hard when we were talking to Rias." Shirou winced. "What did I even do this time?"

Rin smiled angrily at Shirou, arms akimbo and eyes dark. "What _didn't_ you do this time?!" She said in a low roar. Shirou winced harder.

"You absolute _dumbass_. I totally get that you don't like the whole thing with Issei becoming a Devil; hell, I don't either. But we don't know anything about the situation at hand, and you start grilling the girl and if Issei didn't just blurt his way out we would be in a very tight situation right now!" Rin rubbed at her temples to soothe the pounding headache. "Just promise me to _ask_ carefully before you shoot your mouth off!"

"Okay, okay! I promise! I just…" Shirou frowned, and Rin grimaced at his expression. "I don't understand how Issei can just agree to being reincarnated just like that."

"Part of that was your fault, idiot." Rin held up a hand to stall all of his rebuttals. "As I said, you started grilling the girl, and here was Issei, a regular person who didn't have a single shred of knowledge about the moonlit world. He definitely knew about Gremory beforehand, and quite possibly had a crush or lusted after her as she was the school idol and most likely would have agreed to join her peerage if the Devil had just come out and asked the boy in the first place. And then you started interrogating her. To Issei, it seemed to be a verbal attack on her directly combined with a tense atmosphere, so part of it was Issei just trying to resolve the situation the only way he could."

"Or," Shirou said dryly, "He just really liked her breasts."

"That's impossible," Rin said, fully unaware that it was in fact entirely possible and the truth. "No one could possibly be that stupid and perverted at the same time."

"Rin, what have we learned about saying things are impossible? Like, my body is made of swords. We don't have much of a say on what's possible or not."

"I stand by what I said." The black-haired magus said, again still fully unaware that she was going to be eating her words by the end of the week. She'll learn eventually. "And if the boy really _is_ that stupidly perverted, Sakura will beat if out of him sooner or later. Heck, I might take a few Gandr shots myself."

* * *

 _ **Kuoh City, Gremory Residence**_

 _It used to be a serene, peaceful morning..._ Rias sighed as she took a sip of her tea, glancing at the Mexican standoff in her own house.

"Like hell I'm going to hand the kitchen over to you," Shirou snarled as he peeled carrots furiously with a Traced knife, utterly unselfconscious about the pink apron he had on. "Never in a million years!"

"You wish!" Archer sneered back, the Servant in yet another pink apron and cracking eggs at light speed. "Can you keep up with me?"

"No, not "can you keep with me", it's _you_ keep up with _me!_ " The redheaded Master growled before he put salmon onto the pan and the wonderful smell of frying fish filled the air.

Rias watched in disturbed fascination as the regal, dignified lady knight from last night drooled enough for three people as she watched the two guys duking it out in the kitchen, a good pile of dishes already victim to the petite blonde's stomach piled high to the side. She internally cursed herself; Rias should have _known_ , _she should have known_ , size did nothing to indicate appetite! And with the way Saber's eyes were shining, Rias silently mourned her allowance. She would not be able to get that new figurine after all…

 _Onii-sama, what's the point to being part of the Gremory family if my allowance can't even feed a single girl…!_

"G'mor'..." Tohsaka stumbled into the kitchen still in her borrowed nightgown and somehow made it to the fridge without colliding with either of the cooks, taking out a carton of milk and directly drinking out of it without a second thought. The dark-haired girl was clearly not awake, and she wobbled her way to the table to collapse face down onto the cool wood.

"Good morning to you too, Miss Tohsaka." Rias said numbly, her years of etiquette lessons coming through.

"Mun'..."

"Rin, kindly rouse yourself. Shirou and Archer will not have enough room for the dishes if you continue to sprawl upon it."

Her own comrade looked more like a zombie and _that's_ what she concerned about?!

Tohsaka grunted a unvoiced question to Saber, who responded as if she spoke coherently. "Only the four of us for breakfast today from our group. Rider and Sakura have already ate and are upstairs. The rest of them dispersed to their own devices today after Rias briefed them on some rules of engagement."

Tohsaka snorted, and Saber scoffed back. "I'm sure they can control themselves and not get into any trouble for one day, Rin."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rias could see the way the two cooks in the kitchen froze for a second in unison at those words, and fought down the urge to groan. There was a foreboding sensation crawling down her spine.

 _I have a bad feeling about this!_

* * *

 _ **Kuoh City, Main Street**_

"Ow! That hurts!" The little boy sat up and clutched at his knee, which was scraped and bleeding. His lower lip wobbled, like he was about to burst into tears.

Asia Argento smiled kindly at him. "Don't cry! Be brave for a little bit." She said, and with a turn of her wrist her hands were glowing green with the power of her Sacred Gear; with careful motions, she brought the light closer to the wound.

With barely a trace, the boy's knee was better immediately, with only a bit of blood to show that he was ever hurt in the first place. He gasped, and Asia put a finger to her lips.

"Keep this a little secret between the two of us, alright?" She smiled, and the boy nodded eagerly before he dusted himself off.

"Thank you, nee-san!" He called before skipping and bounding away, and before long he was already out of sight.

It was at that moment that Caren Hortensia came around the other corner; she made quite an impression with her silver hair, striking amber eyes, and austere attire. Issei squinted at her, and then made a sound of realization. "Uh, you're...Hortensia-san, from yesterday, right?" Issei said brightly. The blonde nun beside him widened her eyes at the other sister and her dark habit.

"Oh! It's...hello, Sister." The nun said, and there was an undercurrent to her voice that made Caren frown. The other nun greeted her, and was mystified at the blonde's confusion. "Do you...do you not know who I am?" She asked. Caren shook her head.

"No, I do not...but I sense that you have a story to tell. Why don't we stop by a place to have a bite to eat? We can talk at leisure there." Caren purposed, every bit the demure, understanding nun of the Lord. Asia looked down and nodded shyly.

* * *

"The reason I was so shocked that the Sister was so quick to greet me…" Asia stirred at her tea morosely. "...I have recently been excommunicated. I have sinned, and was thus cast out from the church...I'm actually a little surprised you haven't heard about it, Sister Hortensia; it was quite a scandal."

"My Order is a little more isolated from the others than most, although we occasionally venture out so we do not fall behind too much." Caren said smoothly. "If I may ask, why were you stripped of your title?" Asia fidgeted with the teaspoon a little more before sighing and setting it down.

"I once healed a Devil with my Sacred Gear. Of course, I did not know that he was a Devil— to me, at that moment he was simply a person in need of help." Asia said softly. "I...do not regret healing him."

The boy beside her pushed his plate of anpan closer to the nun. The blonde started, looking surprised at the kindness; Issei smiled back encouragingly. "Have something sweet. It'll make you feel better. You did nothing wrong."

"Th-thank you…"

"And what happened after? Were you re-assigned to this city?"

"Ah, yes. In fact, I was lost before I bumped into Issei-san here; I was making my way to the church." Asia bowed in her seat. "In fact, I really must be going. It was truly a pleasure to meet you, Sister Hortensia. May the Lord bless you in his kindness."

Caren nodded back. "May God be with you."

As Issei led the blonde nun to the decrepit church, Caren walked just a little out of sight of the two, eyes and senses honed for anything unusual.

She watched as the nun bowed a farewell to the Devil, and walked up the steps to open the door to the church.

As soon as it opened, lancing pain bloomed within Caren's body, but she did not even show it in her expression. She was used to it by now, and it was an indication of something much more important.

Caren ignored the sensation and walked a few steps to turned into an empty alley. She looked around and said, "You can come out now."

The boy from earlier who had his knee healed with Asia's Sacred Gear came out from the shadows; he took off a thin necklace from around his neck and suddenly his dark hair bleached from a dark brown into a familiar shade of pure gold. The boy's red eyes danced in good humour at the nun.

"That was quite some impressive acting, Gilgamesh."

"You too, Master. Such a perfect mask to present to a lost lamb."

Caren shrugged. "And? Is her Sacred Gear really a Noble Phantasm?"

"From what I can tell, no. It's definitely not based on anything in my vaults." Gil said, twirling the necklace around a finger. He tossed it upwards into a golden portal where it sank into the light and disappeared. "It works much like healing magecraft, and I could feel the prana being transferred to me and mending the wound. That's all I could get out of it. If you really want to know more about it, go ask one of the Fakers." The usually derogatory moniker was unusually neutral coming out of this Gilgamesh's mouth, but Caren paid it no mind.

"I'm going back. Do as you wish." Without waiting for a response, the nun had already turned around. Behind her, Gilgamesh laughed a little, the sound deceivingly innocent, before walking deeper into the shadows.

"Isn't that what I always do?"

* * *

 _ **One Day Later,**_

 _ **Kuoh City, Gremory Contractor's Residence**_

Issei stared for just a second in incomprehension at the large pools of blood on the wooden floor and on his hands.

"What the fuck?" Was all he managed to get out before a batfuck crazy priest introduced himself and tried to kill him.

(If Issei had the time, he would have lamented— being attacked mid-thought was apparently the order of the week, and he couldn't wait for it to be over. Nearly killed by his first girlfriend, reincarnated into a Devil, met some crazy people, this was truly the week from Hell.)

"You shitty Devil! You came here at just the right time! I'm not having fun yet, not until I rip you apart!" The crazy-eyed priest yelled and swung his sword at Issei, who scrambled out of the way just in time. He rolled away from the man.

It really wasn't much of a fight; Issei was a newly turned Devil, barely three days old. The opponent was a psychofuck insane excorist renowned for his fighting prowess; it was a miracle (ironically, considering what he was) that he managed to last as long as he did.

There was the sound of a door slamming open, and a familiar girl in nun's habits ran out.

"Please, Father Sellzen! Please don't kill him!" Asia said as she ran out and clutched at the priest's vestments. "Issei-kun...Issei-kun is kind! I do not think the Lord would approve of—!"

Freed's face twisted even more, and he disdainfully slammed the girl to the wall. "Shut up, you whore! If you don't want me to rape you then sit there obediently and watch me kill this shitty Devil!"

"Please!" Asia screamed, and Freed only growled and beat her into unconsciousness.

"God, you stupid bitch!" The priest spat, kicking at the poor nun collapsed on her side, clutching now at her ribs. "If the Fallen didn't need you alive I would have already fucked your cooling corpse." But Asia had already done enough to save Issei; she stalled just long enough for Kiba to keep the depraved man from dealing the deathblow. Now outnumbered, he cursed and ranted as he retreated, Asia carried like a sack of flour over his shoulder.

Issei just stayed there on the floor, only able to watch as Asia was taken away.

* * *

"What do you mean, you can't do anything?!" Issei shouted, fists hitting the table. "And I can't go either?!"

"I cannot allow you to go into that church, Issei. That's a violation of the rules, as you are my Pawn." The King said, her brows drawn together. "I'm so sorry, but my hands are tied. I cannot interfere."

"Then...then I'll go on my own! With or without your permission!" Issei yelled.

"If you do that, you will be declared a Stray Devil and hunted down." Rias said, not unkindly. "Please, Issei. Don't make this harder for everyone."

But Issei had already stormed out the door, angry beyond words. Kiba nodded at Rias as he followed the other boy.

Caren only took another sip of her tea, as if uncaring of the tense situation. "My, how passionate. The boy really should have considered it before he agreed to be turned— he's lost his humanity, and still expects the full privileges thereof? How...conceited. And even after Archer warned him."

Rias grimaced. "Please, Hortensia-san. You are not helping."

"It is only my observation." The nun said coolly. "Why, I do believe it's the truth."

The red-headed Devil rubbed at her temples. "I beg of you, Hortensia-san, I'm just trying to think of a solution. By Lucifer, this is a mess…"

"Why trouble your head over it when the solution is so obvious?" Caren smirked, just a tilt of her lips. It was not a very kind expression. "If you cannot go alone, then why not go on official business for someone else?" she said. Rias turned to her, eyes wide. "Now that I have somewhat of a vested interest in how her story plays out...I then wish to contract your Peerage for a task. Go to that church, and rescue my fellow Sister from the Fallen."

Rias smiled, catlike. "I accept. The price shall be the right to pose five questions to you and to have them honestly answered."

"Two questions."

"My, Sister Hortensia, you are quite a hard bargainer! Four questions."

"The traditional three questions, and I will have Lancer and Gil come with me as backup."

Rias reached across the table and shook Caren's hand. "A pleasure doing business with you."

Just then, Kiba came running back, face pale. "I lost him." he said, and everyone in the room stood as one.

"Goodness, that impatient boy." Caren sighed. "He could have been considerate enough to let me change."

* * *

The broken-down church was even more sinister in the moonlight.

"So Asia-san would most likely be kept in the crypt?" Caren asked. The Devils were keeping a certain distance away from the nun, clearly sensing the power coming off the crimson shroud wound around her arms.

"Yes, and likely guarded by human exorcists and Fallen Angels." Rias said, thinking quickly. She could leave Koneko behind with Caren to fight the priests, and she could go on ahead with Akeno and Kiba to deal with the Fallen—

"Lancer, take me with you. We'll go on ahead." Caren nodded at Rias, whose mouth had dropped. Lancer only chuckled and swept Caren into an one-armed hold, the other still holding his blood-red spear. "Ya got it, missy. Off we go—!" Before she could even get a word out, the two had already vanished.

The King resisted the urge to tear at her own hair. "And she says Issei is impulsive?! Now we have to keep all those priests distracted!"

* * *

"Sounds like the Devils have found us, Raynare." Dohnaseek said as they all heard the shouts and clashes of steel above them.

"No matter," the other Fallen sneered. "It's not like they can even make it past the priests anyway."

"Says who?" Came a blithe voice from the corridor.

From the shadows, the man that had saved Hyoudou Issei walked towards them. Behind him stood a nun, who looked at them all with clear amber eyes.

"Lancer," she said. "Please. _Clear the way._ "

The Fallen Angels immediately barred the way to the main chamber; behind them Caren could see Asia tied to a cross, crucified in the center of the room.

"Well now, it'll put a bad taste in my mouth to fight such a pretty lady, but orders are orders." Lancer said, his red spear across his shoulders.

"The spearman— I've been looking forward to this." The male Fallen said, bloodthirst in his every move. Lancer chuckled back. "Trust me, I've been looking forward to this too. I could have just fought you to the end that night at the park, but you had already scampered off with your tails between your legs. It wouldn't have been very honourable to stick you in the back, innit?"

Raynare's beautiful face twisted into something ugly, full of hate and venom. "You're just a human...what need do you have for _honour?!_ Throw it to your brethren, the dogs! You animals would not have even walked upright and would have remained crawling in the dirt if not for we angels! So just stay there obediently and die, dog!"

A moment of silence, just a split second of absolute stillness came over the church.

Then, without warning, the pressure increased; it seemed like the atmosphere itself had crashed down on them.

The smell of bloodlust filled the air, and if Issei looked at the tip of Lancer's spear just right he could see wisps of red light bursting out, malevolence spilling out. Lancer's eyes were wide and full of rage, and the Fallen Angels in front of him inadvertently took a step back, surprised by this sudden anger, this bloodthirst that totally overshadowed what Dohnaseek had shown earlier.

"Ya know," the blue-haired spearman said, voice seemingly cool and casual at the surface, but roiling underneath. "I was just going to make this quick. But now…"

A moment of pure speed; just a moment. Issei blinked, and Lancer was already in front of Kalawarner. The Fallen was in shock: she looked down at her chest, staring uncomprehendingly at the spear impaled through her heart. Without a noise, the woman collapsed into a heap on the floor, already dead.

Lancer turned to the rest of Raynare's group, motions unhurried, almost casual. He moved like there was no rush, like there was no way the three other Fallen could get away from him alive. With a single motion and quick flicks of his spear, there were four runes on the ground in a circle around his feet, glowing with power.

"There," he said, his sharp teeth glinting in the dim light of the church as he grinned savagely. "No going back now. To the death!"

Dohnaseek looked back at his companions, face pale in recognition. "Ath nGabla," was all he managed to rasp before Lancer killed him too.

Self preservation seemed to break through the haze of shock; the remaining two Fallen knew that there was no way to defeat the enemy before them, no way to make it out alive if they chose to engage— no matter how human he seemed to be.

Raynare turned tail and ran towards Asia; that blue man was death incarnate, and she didn't want to die! Mittlet could take care of herself. She still had so much she needed to do! She had to get out of here—and with Asia, she had a legitimate chance of getting away, she could gather more shitty human priests and extract her Sacred Gear, she could start over!

She could still prove that she was worthy.

The Fallen Angel quickly undid the chains, hoisting the unconscious girl over her shoulders. With weakening legs, she ran towards the back of the chamber, behind the altar where she knew there was a hidden passage—

She tripped, Asia collapsing on top of her in a heap. Raynare tried to get up again, but all the strength had left her legs. She tried to take her wings out, tried to fly away, but even that was no use. _Why couldn't she use her wings? Why why why why?!—_

 _The runes_.

Raynare looked up into red eyes and felt cold steel chains a thousand times stronger than the ones that had restrained Asia bind her.

"I would say I'm sorry, but I'm really not, onee-san." The blond boy stared down at her, a charming smile on his innocent face. It was completely incongruent with the oversized halberd he held in his hand and the chains seemingly moving with a will of its own in his other. "I can't let you get away."

* * *

 **AN: Ath nGabla, runes that force all foes who see them to be under a geis. They cannot flee from the battle, and are forced into single combat with the caster. These runes were passed down among the Knights of the Red Branch, the group that Cu Chulainn belonged to. In Celtic Mythology, keeping a geis would grant you power, just as breaking one would cause you to lose it. Part of the reason why Cu even died in the first place was because he was put in a situation with conflicting geis and he had to break one, thus weakening him.**

 **Next Chapter:** Raynare continues to regret all her life choices. Ko-gil takes his time in enjoying making Raynare regret her life choices. Asia moves in with our interdimensional friends, and has her first crush on an unlikely person. Issei tries to get a Shishou. Rias is tired, and her fiance makes an appearance, making a fool out of himself. (He'll get his comeuppance.)


End file.
